SITTING in Scone I giggled at the stories coming out of Sydney about people stock-piling toilet paper.
I felt relieved to live in a country town where people are practical, steady as they go types, don’t scare easily, think of others in times of need and have a “she’ll be right” philosophy.
So when readers started contacting me to say the coronavirus had already impacted Scone, by bringing out our most stupid, like any good reporter, I went directly to the scene of the stupidity.
I talked to the frontline supermarket staff who gave highly credible eye-witness accounts of seeing the stupid in action.
I surveyed the supermarket and found they had:
- trotted off with all of the toilet paper;
- seized all of the hand sanitiser;
- not touched the soap;
- pushed the fruit and veg to one side, and
- not taken any vitamins.
I genuinely don’t understand this level of stupidity and I have many questions, so maybe we ask them directly, maybe we should lay in wait in the car park as the stupid bring out their trolleys of toilet paper and ask them directly A Current Affair style, a few questions, then publish their names, photos and answers court-report-style.
I’ve started my list of questions and would appreciate any further questions you may have on our Facebook page:
- Do you believe the corona virus is a strain of gastro?
- Is it true you are buying the toilet paper to send it back to China in baby formula cans?
- Do you understand the direct correlation between eating baked beans and the impact it will have on your precious toilet paper stockpile?
- Why toilet paper specifically?
- Will you literally not “spare a square” for the regular people doing their weekly shop?
- How much money could I offer you in order for you to hand over your toilet paper stash?
- Are you planning to wrap yourself in toilet paper so that you are readily identifiable as stupid?
- How much Vitamin C do you believe is in toilet paper compared to an orange?
- Do you have recipe suggestions for how to cook the toilet paper?
- Which brand of toilet paper do you believe offers you the most protection?
- Is it true people who are stockpiling toilet paper are now peeing in the shower to save their 3 ply?
- How would you react if the government recalled toilet paper due to the packaging being made by people in China who have tested positive to the corona virus?
- Are you worried they might stop printing the newspaper?
- If you have only just started purchasing hand sanitiser…what were you doing before?
- Are you even using soap?
- Do you have the same zeal to get the flu vaccine when it arrives in each season, or do you believe vaccines are the work of evil scientists which will give you the flu or ADHD?
- Are you aware experts are advising against wearing a face mask when you don’t have the virus as it increases your risk of contracting the virus, because you touch your face more to adjust the mask? – Here’s a mask.
- Are you aware there is a study to develop a vaccine against stupidity, which needs volunteers? – Please sign here.
So, be warned people, there are stupid people among us and stupid people be warned, I may be laying in wait in the car park of the local supermarket as you wheel out your trolley of stupid selfishness, I may even publish photos of you sent in by our smarter readers…
Calm down and wash your hands!